Friday, June 3, 2011

Brief Mojave Madness

I feel like I’m on fire, I need some water. Why did I leave the main road? Old Gold mine road sounded intriguing. I kept driving along that dirt road looking for adventure. I didn’t notice the steam coming out of my hood until the car ground to a halt. I thought it was dust from the road. When I opened the hood, I saw there was a cracked hose spewing steam. I kicked myself for not having changed them as the auto mechanic suggested.
I don’t have water, I’m wearing dark blue pants, no hat and I’m in the desert. I need a plan. If I don’t panic, I can get out of this mess. Let’s see, what tools do I have? None. If I had a survival book I could find out how to get water from cactus.
All I have... is The Entertainment book.
This car feels like an oven, the mountains don’t look too far away, maybe it would be cooler there. I can’t just sit here. I could scratch the words help on the roof with my key, No one knows were I am..... after that fight I had with Julie, she may never expect me back.
I don’t think this was such a good idea, I can’t see the car anymore and the mountains look just as far away. The dark pants are absorbing heat, the lower have of me feels like a crock-pot. I got to take them off. How would it look, found dead in the desert in my underwear? That was the first time I mentioned the word death. This is serious; I’m in trouble. I feel cooler without my pants. Although my underwear is not ready for a visit to the doctor, they’re not in that bad shape. I’m thirsty. I’m tired. At least there was some shade in the car.
The Jews wandered 40 years in the desert, I’ve been wandering one hour and it feels like 40 years. That Saguaro cactus over there must be loaded with water. If I could only find the spigot. Ouch those needles are sharp; I can’t get close to it. If I had my keys, I could puncture it. Why did I leave my keys back there with my pants? Right, I thought, how would it look walking around in the dessert in my underwear with my car keys in my hand. It seemed ludicrous at the time. I haven’t made one correct decision today. The fight with Julie was the first mistake. It’s always about sex or money. Well it’s been 2 hours now and I haven’t thought about sex once.
My legs are getting sunburn; those dark pants are starting to look good. I’m burning up alive and there are people at this very moment in tanning parlors.
I was worried about rattlesnakes but now I would welcome one’s poisonous venom to end my plight. I think this is it. My life should be flashing before me. Maybe it did and I blinked. There are no Buzzards flying around so perhaps there’s more time than I imagined. But then again, fried human being Ala Hanes Jockey shorts may even be more than a Buzzard could swallow.
I have to sit down and take the Lotus position. If that’s how they find me, it will put the best possible face on my demise,
Julie will think I was asking forgiveness from God.
The newspapers will say I’m protesting the war in Kosovo,
Jay Leno will say I went into the dessert to pray and couldn’t get my legs uncrossed.
Thank god my mother is not around to see this.
“Mitch! Mitch! Wake up! The Johnson’s will be picking us up in an hour. Why are you sleeping on the living room couch in your underwear?”
“You see I was in the desert and ... I.. I think I’ll take a shower. “You know honey, Why don’t I get those hoses changed on the car tomorrow?”
“I thought you said the mechanic was just trying to sell us something we didn’t really need.”
“I could be wrong.”